Sink or Swim
While ferrying workers back and forth from an offshore oil rig, a helicopter lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.
"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to flytoo!"
A Puzzling Party
Mike and Nick go into a restaurant, cheering and shouting. "Bartender, drinks for everyone. We're buying!" they shout.
"What's the occasion?" asks the bartender.
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle, and it only took us seven months," Nick replies.
"Seven months?" saysthe bartender. "What's the big deal? It shouldn't take you seven months to do a puzzle."
"Oh, yeah?" Mike answers. "On the box it said 'two to four years'!"
As a Realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the property after I mentioned the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, instead of exclaiming over the majestic scenery, the disappointed husband asked, "Where's the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."
Moe and Joe went camping.
They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Moe awoke and shook his companion.
"Joe, look at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of brilliant stars," Joe answered.
"And what does that tell you?"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I see that Gd is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. And you, Moe?"
Moe paused. "What I see, Joe, is that someone has stolen our tent!"
Spotting the befuddled CEO holding a piece of paper and standing by the shredder, the assistant decided to help. "This document's very important,"
said the CEO. "Can you make this thing work?"
The assistant turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed "start."
"Great," said the CEO as his paper disappeared into the machine. "I just need one copy.
A boy with a monkeyon his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, Ithink you had better take that monkey to the zoo."The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the aquarium."
A police officer pulls over a driver and says, “Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged, and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be
The driver looks up at the police officer and cheerfully responds, “Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage!”
A sign posted on the wall of an Army dining hall read: "Don't Waste Food - Food Will Win the War."
Beneath these words someone had scrawled: "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat here?"